Can This Just Be The End?

Dear Boston,

Today started off good. I mean, besides the person that always copies off my work getting upset because "suddenly" she didn't understand and she exclaimed, "I hate math!" And proceeded to not work. Also, did you know Avery and Hudson went to Skyview. Although, I'm not sure if Hudson was in SMT. But, this makes me feel better about my choice.

Lunch was better than the rest of the day. I ate mac and cheese. And Matt even shared his apple slices. Plus, Olivia handed me back my yearbook all signed and everything. And Miles was also able to sign in, since I'm pretty sure he didn't and made him. Well, not really, cause he was willing.

Core was good, although I'm pretty sure no one read them poem inside my book, but that's okay. That wasn't the point of the project at all. Also, I really liked yours. You did a good job. I was really impressed with core projects this year. High school core is so much better than middle school core. We are able to use our brains more and there are less limitations.

I've been thinking. A lot lately. Because of things people have said, and just because the end of the year is coming. Maybe because I've actually had time to think, since I don't study and teachers aren't handing out boatloads of homework. But with all this time to think, I've been taking advantage of it and thinking...

I used to think I was okay, but now I'm not sure.

I wish I could talk to people when I wanted to talk to them, and I wish that I didn't have to deal with annoying people in life. I could make it until the end of the year only talking to teachers when I had to, Tori, Sammi, Kevin, Sami, Aaron and you. I could get by, and in some ways, I think that's be easier. Everyone else has drama tied to them.

And I'm sick of dealing with other people's shit that they leave for me to pick up. I'm just fed of with life, people's insecurities and people thinking they are better than others. Or worse, people thinking they aren't good enough and dealing with their self loathing. It's hard to tell someone they're beautiful when they don't have the will power to see it themselves.

I'm tired of dealing with school, and most of the people sometimes associated with it. And grades are so stupid, and I'm pissed that Jessen wants our last class to be a Socratic seminar, not even a class discussion. A Socratic seminar. That just drives me insane.

And I'm pissed that I can't get music to play off my computer. All internet radios wont load. So I suppose I'll resort to actual radio, but I've heard all those songs before. Like, Youtube isn't even loading for me and I'm thinking that today they whole world just wants to piss me off.

I'm thinking, "fuck you World." Nothing is going the way I hoped it would. Teachers are aggravating, and class are stupid and I'm just... Done. With living around people. With dealing with everything wrong in life because I'm expected to fix it. I'm done people a social person when all I want is to just sleep until summer comes.

I feel like I want all connections to me, cut off for just a day. I want to do something that I want, in the way I want to. Maybe just for once. And if it doesn't work, then yeah, it's my fault and you can blame me. But if I do something they way you want me to, and I fail. Why do I get yelled at? It wasn't my idea that didn't work out, it wasn't all my fault. It wasn't wasn't WASN'T.

I just... AUGH. Life is sucking, and I don't know how to fix it right now. I want friends to be able to talk to me about their problems, but sometimes they're so... They're just not looking at it the way I do, and trying to explain how I see frustrated them and they blow up at me. And I don't like being yelled at for trying to help.

I'm only trying to help... But you're not letting me. You ask me to help, but apparently I can't? It like... Ingraham. You're being told you're doing something wrong, but you go to find what you do wrong, and she tells you not to and to do it later. And then she points out the same mistake, and you ask her to explain why it's wrong, and she says to look it up. (But keep in mind you can't now, and have to do it later.) And it's just so frustrating. You can't look it up, and she won't tell you why it's wrong. But it's wrong.

Life is just so messed up right now. And I can't deal with it anymore, I'm not helping people much anyways, I'm just apparently getting in the way of everyone. And people are stepping on me, and I can feel myself getting shorter and shorter. And it's like trying to climb out of a hole, and you find that it's getting deeper and deeper, and there isn't really a way to get to the top because every time it gets deeper, you're being pushed down farther.

I don't really care for being kicked. I don't really care for Trevor suddenly being very clingy. He made me sit in his lap today, and when I tried to get up, he wouldn't let me. And when I was finally able to sit in my own chair, he kept tickling me. And it's pissing my off. I don't want him touching me, it's uncomfortable for me. Which technically makes it sexual harassment.

Don't people understand boundaries anymore? It's like there isn't any and never was. Like they're forgotten and put into the past. Like they maybe disappeared off the face of the Earth from now until eternity. I know you still understand boundaries. I'm glad someone still does.

People can be so incompetent at times. But really, I know they're just trying to do what's best. But I think somewhere in their mind, they know that what's best isn't really the right thing to do, so it's not really the best. Can't people just put their emotions aside and think rationally about the situation? Just for once.

I just really... Don't know anymore. Things are moving too fast. Too many cards are being bent and TJ is blowing up in my face. I feel like that is life. I am the card bender, and cards are events of my life, like Tarot Cards.

When I grow up and am out of college, I have a feeling I'm splitting from this place as fast as I can. I want the simple life, where things are easy to deal with. Where kids aren't expected to do so many things. I'll go live in the country. We'll get horses. Studies show that kids who ride and care for horses are more social adapt and also do better in school.

Temple Grandin gives so many examples in her book that I can relate to. She's autistic, you know? I want to be autistic. You can only feel simple emotions, like animals. If you love someone, you love someone no matter what and become very loyal. If you don't like someone, that's it. You just don't like them. It's that simple.

Unfortunately, life isn't like that. It's more complicated than anyone could ever comprehend and map out. It's more than people should deal with it. It's more than I want to deal with. People are changing, and it's not really for the better. I mean, I know I'm changing, but the only thing I've really noticed is my anti-socialness right now. And it's not that bad of a thing.

Nothing is ever that bad when you take emotions away from the situation... Nothing is ever as bad once the crisis has passed. It's never as bad when you look at it from someone elses perspective. Nothing is ever that bad... We just make it that way. We make it so everything is really that bad.

It's not like the end has come yet, it's not like we can say we've made it through life. We've only made it this far. But, I'm wishing right now that this could be the end. Of all the shit I've been through, of all the stressing, of all the annoying people who don't understand boundaries, of misunderstandings.

Can this be the end? Can I just sleep until it's all over...? At least when I sleep, I can't feel pain. Will you put me in a medicine induced coma until things in life get better? Or at least until the end of school... This should be the end of thinking, of mindless busy work, of all the stupid things people do because they let emotions get in the way of their decisions...

Can this just be the end?

Love,
Kailynn