Word Compilations

Most of my writings lately have been just trains of thought. 
That jump between happy and devastating moments in life.

It's not dark outside yet, but I'm sure that now the sun is setting faster than before.
Except, not really because the Earth is revolving just as fast as it was this morning.
And the day before and the day before. 

We still make paper hats together. 
We put mustaches on people because it reminds us of you. 
I love this daydream

Laugh.
Crying isn't weak.
It's my vice. 
We're all stupid...

I just have so much insecurity on my own, it's hard to reassure myself and someone else. 
Just making sure he didn't stop existing. 
Because then I would have to run through the streets crying to get across town to his house. 
And frankly that it was more sad than I could ever deal with.  

To double check.

We learn together.
Grow together.
And understand each other. 

Just to let yourself be you. 
And you're getting stronger.

I wish you could see things I do.
You're not going to follow my train of thoughts tonight... 
They're more like segways than trains.  
To move on from here. 


I want them to learn to trust me.
I've never been too fond of them. 
Purple cups.
I will always listen.

Scrambled is the way for me.  
Going every direction.  
It's my way of thinking and communicating and breathing.

With words.
Poetry brought us together.
I've fallen in love with you.

Question.
If you were perfect, would I have ever managed to deserve you?
You are perfect in my eyes.
Because you aren't.  


You can go places and do anything you want.
You give me hope and inspiration.

I can control my natural instinct of in taking breath.

What do I do now?

I Have A Dying Remote

My new discovery, which makes you really happy is that you can add a location to your blog posts as well as have statistics about page views on your blog. This makes me really happy. But, with this background and design, unfortunately, you aren't able to see when I post, say from, Portland, OR. It doesn't show up at the bottom of the post. And I wish you could.

So perhaps it's time for some more change, because I'm indesisive, and like exploring. Maybe I'll find a template that shows the location at the bottom. And maybe I'll do some location crazy when I do some blogging. Walk down to the library, post from there. Head to my aunt's house, and blog from there. Maybe I'll head to a Starbucks in Portland, and blog from there.

But for today, I suppose I'll just blog from home. Because, even though the weather has cooled down, I'm not up to much walking. But I should soon get my bike back, I haven't made it down there to ride it back home. But before the summer ends, perhaps I'll grab it. I need it for the start of school anyway.

Or maybe, my dear Mother if you still read this, you'll give me a ride to Bay every morning because you know you love me and you should be up by seven in the morning in general. You could get to the office early, talk to Russ and go through e-mails that I know accumulate over the week from 0 to 5 million. (We also still need to check on the bus information to see if the bus number changes or anything else. All I know is that I need to be there at 7.)

[Also, Mom, if my Google Calender still shows up with yours on your phone, maybe, maybe not. I'm adding some events, like your Linfield Alumni thing, library book sale and WACAP thing.]

Anyways, what's new in the world of mine? Let's see.

1. I've got a pair of cowboy boots, that fit me well and that I will definately be wearing more often, maybe when it's not quite so hot outside, but definitely some day during the Fair. Because I love them! Granted, I might need some thicker socks or just one band aid for my heel, but other than that, they're pretty darn amazing.
2. I'm still eating three meals a day instead of two. I'm actually waking up in time to call it breakfast instead of lunch. Thank you new sleeping patter. I got a nice 8 hours of sleep and am feeling less sleepy than usual. 
3. Lately, I've been drinking more water, which is good during the summer. I think it's because of my color changing water bottle. When there's cold water, it's orange, and when the water warms, it slowly turns back to white. I find it really fun to have when there's ice cubes in it.
4. I'm watching the Maury show, and I'm really confused as to why no one knows who their baby's daddy is. They just can't keep it straight. Are the movies teaching us infidelity, or do people really just find interest in someone else that fast? Some of these people have has 10 DNA paternity tests and still don't know who the father is. When I have a baby, I sure as hell will know who my baby's father is.
5. You're online, but I'm still waiting for you to start the conversation. I'm not sure why, but, that's just how it is. You usually start it, and I wait for it. I sometimes feel like I may be interrupting. I mean, your status is set on busy. Are you still being a moody teenager?
6. Boston, I'm waiting for your blog posts, because I love reading them, they're so poetic. And compared to what I write, seemingly more interesting to me. Maybe because reading about your own life isn't as interesting as reading about others. You know what I mean? We like gossip about others, but not about ourselves.
7. This book I'm reading has my hooked, and I only started it this morning and have read 256 pages out of 337 pages. So, I reckon I'm pretty far along. It's Western romance novel, so it goes well with my cowboy boots. And I don't mind reading the sections describing Jake. (Hehehe. I wouldn't mind if you were more like him. Just kidding.)
8. I have found that I really like the sound the keyboard makes when I type really fast, it makes me feeling like I should be in an office typing up some documents for my boss. And I like that feeling, and the sound. Maybe if my plans don't work out, I'll be an assistant, because you know, I'm good at organizations and working with phones and computers. Mommy, I'll be a secretary! Does that sound better than, "Mommy, I want to be a cowgirl!"?
9. I'd like to head out west and ride some horses. But I wont have to do that, I'll just ask my mom if she'll take me to my aunts, and perhaps I can ride Moon still. She's getting old, but I think she's still young enough to be ridden. I'll have to ask Mike.
10. There are sounds outside my window, and I'm having some trouble judging the distance between them and my window. Like if it's cars on the street, or going up the big hill toward Safeway. Or if it's a car or a truck. And why is there a baby whining? Last night I heard kids shrieking. And I'm sure it was coming from next door.

My TV is old, the kinds with anteaeas and with a built in VHS player. Which might explain why the remote is falling apart. The back is missing, you know, the part that keeps the batteries in? And you can break it apart so it looks something like this. It happens when it accidentially gets knocked off the bed. And the batteries skatter as well. My poor old remote.

A Sensation

Whenever Sammi writes something, I'm always trying to figure out what it may mean, but I never understand. It never makes sense. But, there's a part of me that wishes that I could write like her. That I could say something and leave someone completely baffeled. Yet at the same time, I like it when people can understand what I'm saying.

Screw some of those words strung together that sound poetic but leave this huge vauge questioning about what it could mean. Pssh to the double meanings and the triple meanings. I've tried finding the true meaning and come up with thousands, none of which fit. Is this your way of telling me to become more educated and think less logically, and more metaphorically?

Maybe when I live a little less of a fruitless life, maybe then I'll understand the meaning. And the purpose. Maybe then I'll understand where I am on this Earth. Where I was placed for everyone to see and to look at. Maybe, just maybe. But there are too many mabyes in this world, and not enough certainty.

I had a talk with my mom today while we were driving into Salt Lake City, and it was about the Book or Mormon. And really, it's not that old. And the thought of some angel coming down and handing hime gold plates to translate just seems really... Well, it seems silly to me. It's been less than 200 years.

And things that happened in those books... And the places they talk about. I can't go to those places, I can't see those things. There is no refference except the supposed gold plates for him to translate. But the Bible, there is provided references. These places are real.

But I still don't believe that the world was created in seven days. We evolved over time, and then we did some more evolving. And then a little more.It's just how history is shown. History in the making. "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift." -- Elenore Roosevelt.

So let's be Zen and just let nature talk to us, teach is wisdom through meditation and becoming one with the spirits. The only way to gain wisdom is through nature, and the only walk to speak to nature is though meditiations. So, maybe I'll meditate. And maybe I'll gain wisdom as to who I am and what my purpose is.

Maybe some sleep will clear up my mind from it's fogged state. Fog like that of a room crowded with smokers that light up each time their previous burns out. Like the haze of hairspray that overly sprizted around the room when my mom is getting ready for work. Or like the smog from the factory we passes in Utah that blew it's toxic fumes across the flat lands, growing until it reached the level height of the hill like flat top mountains.

Maybe I'll drink some more water. But the condensation that has collected is spill down the sides, hitting my legs whenever I go to take a swig. The water is still cold and I can tell that because the part of the water bottle that still has melted ice in it is still orange, and the top where water hasn't been for awhile has faded back into white.

I feel like bugs are crawling all over me, but only because of the show I'm watching. Bugs covered her bed, and crawled over her. And now I feel like bugs are crawling on my skin and the need to brush them off is huge. But I know I'm just imagining things. It was only the sight that made my skin feel like it was manafestied with creepy crawlies.

The feeling is similar to, but less pleasent, than the feeling of air moving across your leg when you pull it out of the water after dangling it over the edge into the pool water. It's less of a cold feeling, and more of just... And odd tingly sensation. But that's all everything really is.

A sensation.
And lovely one.
A hurtful one.
A scary one.
An... unpredictable one.
It's only a sensation.
Of the heart.
Of the mind.
Of the soul.

Helloooooo.

Hello to my Followers.

I see that we have a new follower, and actually, a few that I don't know. I'd like to know more about me, since I'm sure that you can find quite a few things about me in these writing rants and ramblings. Perhaps you'll e-mail me about some things. I'll listen to what you have to say.

I'm sorry I don't have much to write anymore, my mind is focusing more on American Dad, and blowing bubbles with my chewing gum. Maybe I'll write later tonight. Then again, maybe I wont. Wait... It's not even night yet here in Nebraska.

Moutain Standard Time(s)

10:00 pm (Mountain Standard Time)July 15, 2010

We're almost there, and basically no where near it, but I suppose that's okay, we'll be there soon enough. But for now we're sleeping in a Motel 6 in Twin Falls, Idaho. And after a wonderful dinner of macaroni and cheese, I don't really care, although I'm ready to be there.

And at the same time, I'm ready to be going home and being excited for Fair. My mind will be perpetually stuck in the future waiting for what's next. heck, to admit it, I'm excited for the day I pick out my wedding dress and I haven't even graduated from high school.

I'm only in high school. And I want the life that comes high school and hopefully past college. (Wait. What? That didn't make sense, what was I trying to write in the sentence?)I'm just stuck in the future. [Funny considering I'm in a different time zone.] I like that "what if"s and the everything that happens, you know? And also, I find that having something to look forward to makes breathing for another day that much easier.

But I haven't found myself wishing that I wasn't breathing, I've been glad to be waking up and talking to Aaron, and I'm anxious on those days when he says that he's able to come over. I really like those days. But there wont be any in the next 11 days. I wish there was.

More than that,I wish that I hadn't last, not really night but morning. The stress got to me, and hearing over and over again that I'm not really doing something right. It really makes it hard to be in my bubbly persona. It's easier to beat myself up and fall back into a state of semi-self-loathing.

I sometimes think that that state is more comfortable for me than being happy, bubbly and learning to love me? I wish I could actually love me. But I'm tired of seeing seeing them and creating new ones. I'm tired of looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I SUCK IN. I'm honestly not that thin. But I think I'm okay with that. Going back to where I can see my ribcage brings back bad memories from fifth grade. So I'm okay with a little pudge(that you may or may not see.) 

Yet, although I'm sitting in the car all day and basically eating fast food, I'm still, like, dropping weight like an anvil dropped on Wiley Coyote's head. And it's nice, but it's slightly odd for me. I suppose I'll deal.


Maybe I'll exercise more. It's not about being thin for me, it's about being more in shape is what I'm aiming for. I'd like to be able to run the track like I did in sixth grade with Alex.

Today I went swimming, and I'll do it everyday that I can at Doane. I'll swim laps back and forth like I did when I was on a swim team or doing life guard training. And maybe when I get home, I'll do more walking. Aaron and I will walk backwards down to the Waterfront like we said we would but ended up not doing.


(Maybe we can back down to the place you took me on the day of prom?)Because I'd like that. Because I really love him. Life would be crazy, and back into depression I'd slip. Breathing wouldn't be easy at all. The hardest thing on Earth. And I'd be living in the past. Living it over and over and over again.

5:52 pm (MST) 7-16

Starting here and ending there.

But where to start and where do we end?

Do I start where I was born, the tip of my tongue or the back of my mind? Do I start with a word, phrase, sentence, or quote? What about my own two feet, a scooter, a bike, or a nice red truck? I could start with a purple Skittle and end with a green, or a red cherry Starburst and end with a yellow lemon one. 

So. Where do I start?

I think I'll start with a memory. I just have to think of one that maybe has a point. But at the moment the only thing going through my mind, if I'm not making it up, is the time I stayed in Sunriver with my grandparents. We went swimming, and I told my grandpa to put on sunscreen, he didn't and got a sun burn.

Now I'm not sure what the point of that story was, but I don't care. It's something. And, you know, I don't think that I've ever had a sun burn. Do you know what's like to have one? I bet it hurts. However, we, like onions, have layers of skin. So, at least we know that it'll grow back. And sometimes, don't sunburns just get tan?

I've been wearing my jacket all weekend (well, the past two days, it's not the weekend yet.) I don't have a summer tan yet, but for some odd reason, I kind of what no tan or a Farmer's tan. Lol. I know, I'm such a weirdo, but it's truth.

Beauty

Beauty is only skin deep. And if people don't want to take the time to really get to know you, they don't know how truly beautiful you are. Everyone can achieve perfection, by being themselves. And learning to love what they have.

Beauty is an ecstacy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it.

- W. Somerset Maugham

 

The beauty of the animal form is in exact proportion to the amount of moral and intellectual virtue expressed by it.

- John Ruskin

 

It's engraved into our brains that we must be these stick figures. And they take someone like a size 4 and tell them to be a 0 or a 2. As if that isn't small enough. The average size for women is 14.  

There isn't really a need to be smaller, is there? There's isn't a reason to cake your face with makeup to hide something that you don't think is beautiful. I think that sometimes makeup makes you look worse. Today my mom told me that she wasn't going to wear makeup tomorrow, and that made me really happy.

You could be size 0, and wear tons of makeup and have the most expensive fashion in-style clothing, and I might still consider you ugly. Ugly runs through your bones. You're probably thinking that you're this amazing person, and yay for the confidence boost. But, vanity. Sometimes I think that people think too much of their self. 

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

-- Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare

 

Beauty by Dru Hill 

Sorry, didn't notice you there
But then again you didn't notice me
So we'll remain passers by
Until the next time we speak
I hope that I can make you mine
'For another man steals your heart
And once your beauty is mine
I swear we will never be apart

Walks by me every day
Her and love are the same
The woman that's stolen my heart
And beauty is her name
I'm hoping I can make you mine
'For another man steals your heart
And once your beauty is mine
I swear we will never be apart

It didn't take much time to think about
But I didn't want to move too fast
Cuz I knew that when I saw you again
That I wouldn't wanna let you pass
Cuz my eyes have seen the glory
In the coming of your smile
So I swear if you ever come 'round again
Please stay for a while

Walks by me every day
Her and love are the same
The woman that's stolen my heart
And beauty is her name

I'm hoping I can make you mine
'For another man steals your heart
And once this beauty is mine
I swear that we'll never be apart

You are so beautiful
When I'm down and out
I never seem to get tired
Tired of your love
Cuz you are wonderful

You're wonderful
I'm just dying to make you see
Anything you want inside your heart
You can find right here inside of me
Walks by me every day
Her and love are the same
The woman that's stolen my heart
And beauty is her name

I'm hoping I can make you mine
'For another man steals your heart
And once this beauty is mine
I swear we will never be apart

Walks by me every day
Her and love are the same
The woman that's stolen my heart
And beauty is her name

I'm hoping I can make you mine
'For another man steals your heart
And once this beauty is mine
I swear we will never be apart

Walks by me every day
Her and love are the same
The woman that's stolen my heart
And beauty is her name 

Windows

Lately My dog has taken to sitting in the window and barking at dogs and people that go by.

Educational Purposes Only

I'm not sure what to write anymore.

Like my thoughts have run dry,

and the rain hasn't come yet.

The rain hasn't filled my mind,

not with witty thoughts, nor silly thoughts.

It's a blank slate, wipped clean.

But this isn't Jessen's room,

where no one has written on the board.

This is like Olson's room,

where pens must not be wasted, 

and there's only a blank web diagram there.

Because it's for teaching,

and only that.

It's for educational purposes.

And that's its only purpose.

Like a car, that's meant for driving.

But let's take a risk,

listen to music while driving.

Draw silly pictures while teaching.

Go out on a limb,

and if it breaks and you fall,

your friends will catch you, or you'll catch yourself.

There's something that Christopher Robin taught us.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...

There is something you must always remember. 

You are braver than you believe, 

stronger than you seem, 

and smarter than you think. 

But the most important thing is, 

even if we're apart... 

I'll always be with you.”

Reset

Days Free: 43 Reset to: 0

I was doing so well. I really was. But now I'm afraid to sleep. Sometimes what we think is a dream turns out to be real. I don't remember breaking the count consciously, but I dreamed about it. And I suppose that counts. It's my subconscious talking.

Maybe I'll go exercise? It's time for change. By the end of the summer, I'll weigh less. I hope. Anyways, I just went and jumped rope for about 15 minutes, came in and threw up. I think I'm on to something. Abs and losing weight becomes easier! :P I don't feel so good. But, I'm jumping rope tomorrow.

It's time for change. Time to reset.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Gosh, if I had a party and I had to give someone dirrections from a certain point, it would sound a lot like that. Like no kidding. I'm really bad at giving directions.

Good thing I'm not responisble for driving, yet? Driving driving driving. I can't wait until I can drive, that would be nice, not having to take the bus everywhere. Drive wherever I want to whenever I want to.Gosh, that makes me excited.

Boston, maybe I'll blog during vacation. I'm not sure yet. I think I'll bring my laptop, and maybe I'll have wifi. I'll take pictures and upload some on here. Who knows. I have time to think about it. I'll worry later about what's going to happen. But you know, you can always call or text me.

Drive My Car -- The Beatles

Asked a girl what she wanted to be
She said baby, can't you see
I wanna be famous, a star on the screen
But you can do something in between

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you

I told that girl that my prospects were good
she said baby, it's understood
Working for peanuts is all very fine
But I can show you a better time

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you

Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you

I told that girl I can start right away
When she said listen babe I got something to say
I got no car and it's breaking my heart
But I've found a driver and that's a start

Baby you can drive my car
Yes I'm gonna be a star
Baby you can drive my car
And maybe I'll love you
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep yeah

Wanna know something funny, I learned this song from the Soundtrack with songs all sung by Elmo. He was a big part of my life. Haha. Sesame Street. The Cookie Monster says "Nom nom nom." I bet it's where the saying came from.

Find A Picture and Write

I would love to find this coffee cup. Because I would buy it. Everyone is always able to find cool coffee cups, and all I have are the ones that match our dishes. And one with a penguin on it for Christmas time. And one with photos of Vancouver, Washington that I got from the (now ex) Mayor for my birthday.

So, when I'm older, I'm not getting sets of dishes. Heck no, I'm getting things that don't match. Because that's the best way to do it. Why always eat off white plates when you could eat of blue one day and orange the next? Why match the cups with the plates if you can have a yellow cup and a purple cup? I like restaurants that don't have all the same plates. It makes me happy, and when the napkins are different colors, that's amazing as well.

I'm thinking that this should be a tend, like not wearing the same colored socks. You know? I used to think, Crap, they don't match. But now, it's "in." No one will laugh because they don't match. It'll just be that way. Hehe. Memory time: Last year, in humanities, when the map guy came. We had a debate over what color my socks were. Aaron, I still think they were olive green, not neon. (Just sayin'.)

Sammi would look good in a green dress. It's totally her color. Like a deep shade of olive green, that's her. Something like... That? Does that seem like something Sammi would wear? I had this discussion with her and my mom awhile back, like Winter Formal time?

I was looking through photos from around that time, gosh, I miss my long hair, however the high lighted part didn't look so great. I fear I'm like Caity, I like changing my hair. I want to dye it a deeper black. But, I'm pretty much set on growing it out right now. I'll probably cut it maybe junior or senior year. Or maybe I'll just keep growing it out and never cut it because I like the longer length. It's just a pain in the butt during the summer.

I was about to ask, "Do you know what it's like to shower with long hair?" But, no, I doubt you would. Unless Sammi still reads this, then she would. Anyway, it's not exactly the easiest thing to do when you want to get all the soap out. How does Megan do it? That aside, I think I'll still grow out my hair. But maybe I'll get tired of it in future summers and give up. I mean, black long hair in summer. Gahhhh. Not the best thing.

Plus, it can easily be pulled on. When girls fight it seems they always go for hair pulling, like on Jerry Springer. And even as bad as that show is, I like it? There's always something to take away from it. Like, don't cheat. That's mainly what it's showing you. It's not good to cheat. But, Jerry's Final Thought always has a good message.

Although, you'd expect it not even have a good message because it promotes violence as a way to solve your problems. But it's not a way to solve problems. Violence is not the answer. Try sitting down and talking things over a nice cup of coffee. In a nice funny mug. Maybe things will work out better if you drink out of coffee cups like this one.

That one's not really the right humor is it? Let's see if I can find another one. Would an animal work? Something like the monkey? Or sexual references, or politics? Maybe that's not the right approach. Let's see... Maybe something more like this one?

I'm Trying

I love you, baby. ♥

Independence Day

According to the movie playing, in the Hundred Acre Woods, it's actually winter. And there's a snow storm. But I guess they're just a little behind. Anyways, Happy Fourth of July.

Independence Day -- Martina McBride

Well she seemed all right by dawn's early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak
She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But daddy left the proof on her cheek
I was only eight years old that summer
And I always seemed to be in the way
So I took myself down to the fair in town
On Independence Day

Well word gets a round in a small, small town
They said he was a dangerous man
Mama was proud and she stood her ground
But she knew she was on the losin' end
Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way
And when time ran out there was no one about
On Independence Day

Let Freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a
Day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, Let the guilty pay, It's
Independence Day

Well she lit up the sky that fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames
and took down some names
send me to the county home
Now I ain't sayin' it's right or it's wrong
But maybe it's the only way
Talk about your revolution
It's Independence Day

Let Freedom ring, let the wight dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a
Day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, Let the guilty pay, It's
Independence Day

Roll the stone away
It's Independence Day

I Wish I Lived By This

I thought I'd share this Buddhist Prayer:

"When someone is wronged,
he must aside 
all resentment 
and  say, 
'My mind shall not 
be disturbed;
no angry word
shall escape me lips;
I will remain kind
and friendly,
with loving thoughts
and no secret spite."