Moutain Standard Time(s)

10:00 pm (Mountain Standard Time)July 15, 2010

We're almost there, and basically no where near it, but I suppose that's okay, we'll be there soon enough. But for now we're sleeping in a Motel 6 in Twin Falls, Idaho. And after a wonderful dinner of macaroni and cheese, I don't really care, although I'm ready to be there.

And at the same time, I'm ready to be going home and being excited for Fair. My mind will be perpetually stuck in the future waiting for what's next. heck, to admit it, I'm excited for the day I pick out my wedding dress and I haven't even graduated from high school.

I'm only in high school. And I want the life that comes high school and hopefully past college. (Wait. What? That didn't make sense, what was I trying to write in the sentence?)I'm just stuck in the future. [Funny considering I'm in a different time zone.] I like that "what if"s and the everything that happens, you know? And also, I find that having something to look forward to makes breathing for another day that much easier.

But I haven't found myself wishing that I wasn't breathing, I've been glad to be waking up and talking to Aaron, and I'm anxious on those days when he says that he's able to come over. I really like those days. But there wont be any in the next 11 days. I wish there was.

More than that,I wish that I hadn't last, not really night but morning. The stress got to me, and hearing over and over again that I'm not really doing something right. It really makes it hard to be in my bubbly persona. It's easier to beat myself up and fall back into a state of semi-self-loathing.

I sometimes think that that state is more comfortable for me than being happy, bubbly and learning to love me? I wish I could actually love me. But I'm tired of seeing seeing them and creating new ones. I'm tired of looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I SUCK IN. I'm honestly not that thin. But I think I'm okay with that. Going back to where I can see my ribcage brings back bad memories from fifth grade. So I'm okay with a little pudge(that you may or may not see.) 

Yet, although I'm sitting in the car all day and basically eating fast food, I'm still, like, dropping weight like an anvil dropped on Wiley Coyote's head. And it's nice, but it's slightly odd for me. I suppose I'll deal.


Maybe I'll exercise more. It's not about being thin for me, it's about being more in shape is what I'm aiming for. I'd like to be able to run the track like I did in sixth grade with Alex.

Today I went swimming, and I'll do it everyday that I can at Doane. I'll swim laps back and forth like I did when I was on a swim team or doing life guard training. And maybe when I get home, I'll do more walking. Aaron and I will walk backwards down to the Waterfront like we said we would but ended up not doing.


(Maybe we can back down to the place you took me on the day of prom?)Because I'd like that. Because I really love him. Life would be crazy, and back into depression I'd slip. Breathing wouldn't be easy at all. The hardest thing on Earth. And I'd be living in the past. Living it over and over and over again.

5:52 pm (MST) 7-16

Starting here and ending there.

But where to start and where do we end?

Do I start where I was born, the tip of my tongue or the back of my mind? Do I start with a word, phrase, sentence, or quote? What about my own two feet, a scooter, a bike, or a nice red truck? I could start with a purple Skittle and end with a green, or a red cherry Starburst and end with a yellow lemon one. 

So. Where do I start?

I think I'll start with a memory. I just have to think of one that maybe has a point. But at the moment the only thing going through my mind, if I'm not making it up, is the time I stayed in Sunriver with my grandparents. We went swimming, and I told my grandpa to put on sunscreen, he didn't and got a sun burn.

Now I'm not sure what the point of that story was, but I don't care. It's something. And, you know, I don't think that I've ever had a sun burn. Do you know what's like to have one? I bet it hurts. However, we, like onions, have layers of skin. So, at least we know that it'll grow back. And sometimes, don't sunburns just get tan?

I've been wearing my jacket all weekend (well, the past two days, it's not the weekend yet.) I don't have a summer tan yet, but for some odd reason, I kind of what no tan or a Farmer's tan. Lol. I know, I'm such a weirdo, but it's truth.